Today, November 12, is celebrated as National Father’s Day in Indonesia. This is a form of respect for fathers, who often receive less attention than mothers. And yes, the date for celebrating Father’s Day in Indonesia is different from Father’s Day around the world, which is celebrated every Sunday in the third week of June each year. Happy Father’s Day to all fathers in Indonesia.
Today reminds me of some time ago, when the Indonesian government issued Circular Letter No. 7/2025 on the Movement for Fathers to Take Their Children to School on the First Day of School. This made the scene on July 14 a little different, even though I personally witnessed it through social media. Whereas it is usually the mothers who are in front of the school, on that day it was the fathers. They came in all shapes and sizes. Some were still wearing their work uniforms, some still had their online motorcycle taxi helmets on, some had just woken up, in short, they were all different. And for me personally, it was quite a touching sight. Because for the past three years, I have been absent from taking my child to and from school and so on. We lived apart because of my work. This wasn’t just about taking my child to school, bro. It was about bringing back a presence that had been missing for so long.
And if we look at this more deeply, behind this seemingly trivial rule, there is actually one big thing that the Indonesian government is trying to fix. That is Indonesia’s fatherless crisis or Fatherless Nation. According to data from the National Population and Family Planning Agency (BKKBN), around 80% of Indonesian children grow up without a father figure. And with such a high percentage, you may be one of them. Because fatherlessness is not just about fathers who leave, not just about divorce, not about death or broken homes. It’s more about fathers who are technically present, but emotionally absent. They are not really present. Fathers who come home late at night, are busy with work, never ask about their children’s schoolwork, don’t know the names of their children’s friends, don’t know who their homeroom teacher is, or fathers who feel that taking care of children is only the job of their wives or mothers.
And this is where the root of the problem lies, bro. In Indonesian culture, fathers are often positioned as nothing more than money-making machines. They come home from work, have coffee made for them, relax, play on social media, while their children are taken care of by their mothers. And unfortunately, many of us, the 90s and 2000s generation, grew up in that kind of parenting style. We never talked about anything after school, never talked to our fathers, because what was there to talk about? Fathers were busy, tired, rigid, authoritarian, or even indifferent. And this is not just your story, bro. This is our story. I also experienced this. We learned to be independent from an early age, and when we were sick, instead of being comforted, we were scolded. And we learned to hold back our tears for fear of being labeled weak. Afraid of being scolded.
This ultimately made us grow into strong but empty adults. And why is Fatherless so prevalent in Indonesia? Because there are so many boys who are raised with the narrative that real men must work hard (rarely are they taught to work smart), earn money, not be whiny, not be weak, and not spend too much time at home. As a result, those who were raised with such parenting styles eventually grow up to be rigid fathers who have no way of communicating emotionally with their children. And honestly, Fatherless is exacerbated by the toxic work system in Indonesia. Salaries are not commensurate with expenses, the pressure of life is getting higher, which ultimately forces these fathers to work from morning to night, sometimes making them forget why they work. Is it for the sake of their children, or are they sacrificing their children?
Moreover, Indonesian society still has a strong patriarchal culture. There are still many fathers who think that if they take care of their children, they will be seen as afraid of their wives. Since when does being a father who cares for his children lower one’s self-esteem? Many of us who are between 20 and 30 years old are becoming new fathers. The problem is, they don’t know where to start. Because they were raised with that kind of parenting style. The one practiced by the generation above us. They were raised in a parenting style that normalized fatherlessness, which ultimately left them confused. Where to start?
We were raised in a culture that said men shouldn’t be close to their children, otherwise they would become weak. Taking care of children is the mother’s job. The father’s job is to earn money. And all of that ended up creating a generation that feels alienated from their own fathers. Even though there is a lot of research that says that children who are emotionally close to their fathers will have better self-confidence. They have greater resilience and more stable emotions. But what about us? Our generation? We learn self-confidence from social media, from the people in our cliques. We learn to be strong from heartbreak (for example, from a breakup), we learn to survive from wounds that are passed down silently.
Fatherlessness is not always visible. But its impact is very real, bro. We grow up to be people who are so afraid of failure because no one ever said, “It’s okay, try again!” We become people who overthink easily because we have no one to turn to for safety. And we become people who find it difficult to trust others. Because in the past, the one who was supposed to be our protector never cared. Or even hurt us. And what’s worse is that many of us, when we grow up, look for love in the wrong places, bro. We get stuck with the wrong people, just because we want to feel loved like children again. Because there is a side of our emotions that was not fulfilled when we were little.
I’m not saying that all fathers in Indonesia are bad, bro. We all struggle, we all make sacrifices. And that’s how it should be. But the reality is that there are still many people who don’t know how to “be present.” And I admit it, bro. Being present for your children is exhausting, bro. Before I had children, when I came home from work, I would rest. Watch movies, read books, laze around, play games, basically quality time for myself. But now that I have a child, I have no choice but to make time for him. Even though I’m tired from working all day, I still have to be there for him. Playing with dolls, jumping on the bed, chasing each other, playing hide and seek, singing his favorite songs while carrying him until he falls asleep, and only then can I rest. And it is exhausting. It is boring if we cannot enjoy it. But we have to. Because having children is my choice. I don’t want my children to bear the psychological burden just because they have parents who don’t care.
Making money is important, bro. We all have big ambitions to make our families happy with good financial support. But slowly I began to realize that too much ambition often destroys the things we can actually enjoy today. In the generation above us, there may have been many fathers who didn’t know where to start. And they weren’t wrong. Because they were also victims. Victims of older patterns. Victims of harsh upbringings. And victims of an environment that didn’t allow men to be weak. But now, we know better, bro. And what we know gives us a greater responsibility not to repeat the same mistakes. Because our children don’t understand whether we are rich or poor, because what they need is a father who is willing to get off his motorcycle, hold their hands, and say, “Daddy is here.”
So, for those of you who are already fathers, want to become fathers, or have never been fathers, but realize that you grew up in silence, do you want to continue repeating the same pattern or do you want to make a turning point? You don’t have to wait until you’re perfect, just start with the simplest things, talk to your child for 10 minutes before they go to sleep, you can also video call them, play online games together, listen to their confessions even if they’re not that important, or their stories are exaggerated. Hug them when they’re scared, take them to school even if we’re in a hurry. Because our children will grow up quickly. And the only thing they will remember is not how much pocket money they had, but who was by their side on their first day of school.
If today you feel distant from your father, or even still hold a grudge, there is one thing you must remember: the pain does not have to continue, bro. We can choose to be a better generation. A generation that is truly present, not just surviving. A generation that dares to embrace, not just command. And if you grew up in a quiet home, don’t let your children grow up in the same environment. May this be beneficial for all of us. And for my Little Angel, a different place is not a barrier for us to live together. Vater ist immer für dich da.
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